An Anatomy of a Loser

Inside the Trump campaign

Lisa Lau
8 min readDec 10, 2020
Photo via Business Insider; overlaid text by author

I will put this softly: Trump is a loser.

Losing in itself is usually not some dishonorable event. Instead, losing provides powerful lessons in resilience, humility, and growth, that all converge to make us better people. This is what we teach our children and expect adults to model.

Shamefully, Trump is a 74 year old sore loser. More specifically, this giant baby king is incapable of being charitable and gracious. Instead, he has deployed blame for his presidential lost, on everyone else, including on American voters, but himself. By protecting his own ego at the expense of upholding democratic principles and traditions, this man is the quintessential loser.

Unfortunately for humanity, this loser has created a parallel reality for 73 million Americans to live in. As a clever ruse, my Trump gear-toting father signed me up on Trump’s campaign email list earlier this year. All of a sudden, I stepped into the vast dark matter of Trump’s cerebral hemisphere — I was repulsed, then enthralled, and what I saw made me learn what real losers are made of.

[All Caps lock and Bold in the below text was retained in its original format from the Trump Campaign. I don’t REALLY write like this.]

As if I were sucked into some time vortex into a totalitarian state, the alternate reality that I had only observed usurped the reality I once knew. The onslaught of emails marched at a steady drum beat in my mind like an insurrection to norms and decency. I became transfixed by the outrage.

The Trump campaign beseeched me:

  • It’s YOU versus THEM(Liberal mega donors)
  • They’ve gone totally insane, Lisa.
  • The Radical Left hates you, Lisa.
  • Remember, Lisa, when they come after the President, they’re really coming after YOU and everything YOU stand for.

After convincing me that my livelihood was threatened, the Trump battalion marched me to the specific targets at the enemy line:

Crooked Hillary, Slow/ Sleepy/China Joe, Phony Kamala, Crazy Nancy Pelosi , Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, FAKE NEWS, lying media, lamestream media, Do Nothing Democrats, RADICAL democrats, Liberal Elites, and left-wing MOB.

Once these targets were identified, Trump’s message was clear, simple, and mildly unhinged. To flex his might, he courageously used Caps Lock.

  • This email is for REAL PATRIOTS ONLY!
  • The President CAN’T WAIT to meet YOU

Sending a decisive message to the brigade of lower case letters that he had the upper (tiny) hand, he brazenly brandished his unfettered Caps Lock privileges to deliver his call to action:

  • FOUR YEARS AGO, Hillary called you DEPLORABLE.
  • They hate everything we stand for and they’ll do whatever it takes to BRING US DOWN.
  • YOU are the only thing that can stop them. We need your help to send a STRONG message to the Left that America will never be a SOCIALIST Nation.

I was entranced by his rage over the rage that he had enraged within me. He tugged at any latent authoritarian tendencies that I might have had to compel me to rise to my feet, thump my chest, pump my fist in the air, and call out “LAW AND ORDER NOW!” In fact, did you know:

“While the Radical Left TERRORIZES our communities, OUR President took bold and decisive action to PROTECT our great Nation’s monuments and statues by swiftly signing an Executive Order that is in FULL FORCE AND EFFECT.”

I was mesmerized by Trump’s strong BOLD words. The liberal elites might call his speech disjointed, undisciplined, and incoherent, but through these emails, I saw a purposeful and impassioned man who “LOVES THIS COUNTRY.”

Using the greatest words he learned in fourth grade, I knew he was doing his best to flatten the curve — the educational curve.

I knew that under his strong leadership, Trump will “make sure we’re winning every day.” And what accompanies winning better than saluting the FLAG!

Gosh, I was so thankful that Trump reignited my patriotism that was apparently also under attack:

“Lisa, I know you agree with me — We must stand for the flag!

OLD GLORY is to be revered, cherished, and flown high. That’s why anytime I witness a player kneeling during the National Anthem, a sign of great disrespect for our Country and our Flag, the game is over for me. I know that real Americans, like YOU, will ALWAYS stand up straight and tall for our magnificent Anthem.”

As Trump stoked my fear of radical liberals and roused the love I have for my country through the prism of himself, the thought reform launched by his campaign soldiers was practically complete. They knew they got me at the next onslaught of superlatives:

“The GDP number was announced — it’s the BIGGEST and BEST in the History of our Country. Next year will be FANTASTIC.”

After that message, I was all in. I wanted to be a fuckin’ WINNER!

To my delight, the Trump family invited me to join their exclusive circle of donor friends. Lara Trump, Eric Trump, and Donald Trump, Jr. all sent me personal emails offering gifts if I supported their daddy:

SIGNED Freedom 2020 Hat, Official 2021 Trump Calendar, an ICONIC Trump-Pence 2020 Cups FOR FREE, SIGNED FIRST EVER TRUMP Football, Trump Wine Glasses, PERSONALIZED Trump Gold Card, Plane ticket to meet President Trump, and Sarah Huckabee Sander’s new book (SIGNED!).

I felt honored because most of these gifts were for REAL PATRIOTS ONLY!!

However, this was the gift that regrettably got away:

BRAND NEW Trump MAGA Dad Whiskey Glasses

I am still kicking myself for not clicking CONTRIBUTE! The whiskey glasses would have looked GREAT on my father’s shelf, rubbing up against his Falun gong mugs while no one was looking. But I am not going to mope because that’s what losers do, and I have achieved so much greatness that you can’t even imagine. I don’t make a habit of bragging, but I was selected to join the ‘Trump Donor Hall of Fame’.

In fact, Kimberly Guilfoyle rammed her head through my laptop and screamed at my face — Lisa, Congratulations! The President handpicked you!

I’m telling you that I don’t brag about my accomplishments, but I was also handpicked to join the EXCLUSIVE Trump 100 Club:

“This is a huge honor, Lisa. The Trump 100 Club is the most exclusive group of Trump Supporters in the entire Country. You will be an excellent addition!”

Not only that, I was offered PRIORITY-ACCESS to get one of the President’s OFFICIAL Trump 1000 Dollar Bills.

Again, I don’t brag. Like Trump, I am the most humble person you’ll ever meet.

But, I was also invited to join the Official Trump MVP list and could have become a member of the Official First Family’s Circle!!

I felt so special, so loved by our dear leader and the First family. But my world started to crumble when I did not live up to the expectation of donating to the campaign. The Trump brigade began to shame me like a disappointed Chinese parent:

First, Eric Trump wrote to me: “President Trump invited you to meet him at his event in New Jersey, but when he saw the most recent list of Patriots who entered, he noticed your name was MISSING. Why is that?”

Then, Don Jr.: “President Trump SIGNED the FIRST EVER TRUMP Football, but when he reviewed the entry list, he saw your name was MISSING. We thought it was a mistake, but when the President asked us to double-check, we couldn’t find your name. This isn’t like YOU, Lisa.”

Piping from her podium, Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced: “We need to tell you something. We recently pulled your donor file and noticed that we were MISSING some critical information from you.”

I knew I was in dire straights when the Big Cahuna Rudy Guliani started to make his case against suspected disloyalists: “We pulled the records of his most LOYAL supporters — the ones who have been there for him no matter what. Unfortunately, your donor record showed up in the BOTTOM 1% of all Trump Supporters. President Trump REALLY needs you right now, Lisa. Why haven’t you stepped up?”

They finally sent the Big Mac himself, President Trump: “Lisa, Where have you been?”

That last whimper from the President tugged at my heart. After all, “Sleepy Joe and Phony Kamala LOVE anarchy and HATE America. They are WEAK on crime and they would DESTROY everything that we worked so hard for […] President Trump will DEFEND America!”

I yearned to show him that I was a PATRIOT, but there was something holding me back from being fully indoctrinated into taking part in Trump’s fifth column.

While the army of emails marched me to the brink of psychological warfare against my ethical mores, the stench rising from the carcass of democratic principles was too rancid to ignore. More importantly, the idea that I would be trampling on the carcasses of real soldiers who defended the democratic values on which this country stands, snapped me back to a sense of what was real and what was entirely contrived to enable a man in diapers to play king.

In fact, this president has repeatedly disparaged service members and called Americans who died in war ‘losers’ and ‘suckers.’ He has even asked that wounded veterans be kept out of military parades. At the funeral of Senator John McCain who passed in August 2018, Trump said: “We’re not going to support that loser’s funeral.” He called former President George H.W. Bush a “loser” for being shot down by the Japanese as a Navy pilot in World War II.

But don’t let the radical leftists tell you who the patriots are.

I welcomed my first class ticket to ride on the Trump campaign plane to dystopia. Once onboard, the President disguised as the pilot sowed doubt in our common humanity by casting my neighbors, friends, and fellow Americans as villains. As the president purposefully chipped away at the constitutional parts of the plane and inflicted damage to the engine, he ensured us that as long as we remained loyal to him, he will bring us to safe landing.

This is the tragedy of the loser—the utter inability to contribute to mankind.

He sows fear, blame, and cultivates self-admiration and material gain while wallowing in self-pity. Meanwhile, the President watched emotionless as the plane he is steering disintegrates. He doesn’t warn his passengers to put on their oxygen masks or offer any words of comfort. Instead, he sets down his eponymous wine glass and parachutes out to safety.

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Lisa Lau

Insomniac, knowledge thrill-seeker, leisure and cathartic writer